What's your dream? 

 

“You know, I’m here now at Walmart, but I’m actually a certified professional dog groomer. I went to college for a year and a half for it until I was diagnosed with this -- this stupid disease. I don’t know if it’s a disease, or what it is, but my heart could stop at any moment. When I found out, they told me wasn’t even allowed to pick up dogs anymore. Broke my heart, no pun intended, I guess.

 

Should have went to college, should have done this, should have done that, but now I might just not have the chance to. It’s one of the things that I’ll have to live with. But once I pay off all my 13 credit cards’ debt and get the surgery for my heart, I’d like to open a Bed and Breakfast in Florida. That’s my dream.”

 

“And what about a dog?”

 

“That too.”

“I went to college. I thought it was the only option after high school. But it wasn’t for me. I wasn’t eating, I was only going through the motions, I wasn’t going to classes, I was neglecting my personal care entirely. I cut so many people off. So I left, after a year. I mean, I wasn’t finding my passion, I was unhappy,  and my bills were just piling. It was like a toxic relationship, but with a place.

 

I got a job, got an apartment when I came back, and I was in a much better place mentally.  I’m just trying to make enough money to do what I want, now. I actually really like acting, and I do a lot of community theatre. We just did one on the history of Peter Pan, sort of like a prequel. “Peter and the Starcatcher”, and I’m happier. I really am.”

"If you had any advice for anyone, what would it be?" 

​

“You are not created for yourself. We are created for others. If we’re not good to each other, we’re not going to make it. I want my tombstone to say “she loved people the way she wanted to be love. For real” I had a very hard life, and I didn’t stop feeling sorry for myself until I started to help people.

 

I worked at Dow Corning for 14 years, and for 8 years I collected gifts from Estee Lauder, and people had so much of that crap sitting in their closets. I wanted kids to feel beautiful, so I went to a high school and gift bag all these things… socks... gloves… hat… table set up for their own colognes. What was more important than the gift was my story.

 

My father physically abused us. Son was a drug addict. I had a baby in high school. But I wanted them to know how beautiful they are. That they can do anything. I had a dream to do this one thing, but then I had a child. When I grew up my father was a pastor. He came out of the closet when I was 10 years old. It was not accepted then. So besides the abuse and the religion we were brought up in, it was like a cult, Jehovah’s witness. My ex-husband abused us physically. I ended up in a Shelter home. We were all on the steps of the courthouse. In front of all the police officers. They didn’t understand why. Who did I want to put in danger? Me or my children? We could hardly eat. I used to bring home kids pop bottles for the dime. I would share my milk with my baby at home. And we weren’t eating much at home.

​

I have been on antidepressants for 20 years. I don’t use social media much, but the one time I did, I found out that my friend was dying. High school acquaintance at that. I told him that he could come back to Michigan, if he wanted to and stay with me, given that he wasn’t too annoying. I’ve been taking care of him for three years now, and it’s. It’s so hard. It’s so hard seeing someone die. All glory to god. I’m not worth shit without him.

 

Once every two weeks I drink a lot of beer. I’m so stressed. I go from a great job and now this. I think I'm supposed to be here for a reason. Helping others is the only thing that makes me happy. Joy. I have not had a happy life. I’m here to serve others. I’m not worthy of anything. But I know I’m here to help people.  Even just one is enough.

"Hey! What are you guys doing right now?"

 

“I’m going on a week-long camping trip! I have so much I need to buy.”

“Do you really need the new headlamp, honey?”

“Yes, dad. All the other girls are bringing new one's and ours is so old, no one's going to think I'm cool, daddy.”

What's the biggest lie you have heard?

 

You know, the hardest thing now is not being able to help my loved ones with whatever they need. I’ve always been big, but after chemotherapy, I gained eighty pounds. I can’t do what I used to be able to do. You beat ovarian cancer, woo! and all, but now I have this to deal with. You win something, and it feels like you lost everything and now I don't even know if beating it was worth it. 

​

I hate this path of thinking. I hate it. I should be grateful, you know? They all said you were supposed to be happy. 

 

I think the only thing keeping me going is the thing my Ma told me as a kid: "When you hit rock-bottom, Jesus is always there." 

​

He's all that's keeping me going now. 

“I take care of this girl, Rose, who has CP. Cerebral Palsy that is. Her name is Rosa. Her mom scares her sometimes, she’s so possessive, so when she leaves the house, I turn to Rosa and wink, finally we can do the things that she wants.

We love coming out to Walmart. I just recently picked up flowers for her and I, and we’re going to decorate the front yard. I work for this company, and you can see the people who only do it for money. They can spend an entire day with these kids and not say a word. It’s sickening.”

“I’m getting diapers for my kid. We call him velcro, he’s always stuck on me.”

“Why are you outside Walmart right now? Are you waiting for anyone? I don’t mean to intrude if you don’t have a minute.”

 

“Don’t worry about it. I’m outside here because I need wifi and the Walmart one's free. Bills at home aren’t going too good right now. I’m paying off all the eye stuff from my surgeries.”

 

“What do you regret the most?”

 

“Not helping my dad more with my niece and nephew [pauses] He would drive my niece and nephew every day to school. Until last month.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“He died. Died of a car accident, and now I’m here. I mean look at me. I'm in the rain, it's eleven o'clock, and I'm connected to the free wifi of Walmart. I don’t know what I’m doing.  I've never felt more lost.”

Any advice?

 

“I worked in prison for about 13 years. Let me tell you – treat others the way you want to be treated, honey. If I learned anything from my time there, it’s that you have to be fair but firm. Especially as a woman.

 

Check these stitches out. A man in prison tried grabbing my bum and I sucker punched him in the face, but he hit back, and he had three inch long nails that man did.

​

Be fair, darling. Stand up for yourself always." 

"What's your biggest struggle right now?"

​

“I overdosed about three years ago and lost everything. I just was hanging around the wrong crowd, you know how it goes. I would love to speak to people and tell this story, I mean, hell, I heard it as a kid but things turn into other things and you can’t control it. I wish there was another way to put it. 

 

But I’m better now. A whole lot.

 

Right now though? I miss my son. He’s in Arizona right now, and I wish more than anything, anything that I could go back to him. I have a tattoo right here [Points to chest], and it's of batman. He loves batman. I can't wait to see him again. For Fathers Day he made me this beautiful little card with a drawing of him and I in this LA hat and he showed me it over FaceTime. I miss him so much. I’ll raise him so right.”

"Hey! What are you guys doing here tonight at 1AM?" 

​

“Oh, haha [points at the piles of bags] we're getting groceries and supplies for a weeklong camping trip with the Community Center. We're organizing it. It feels so good to spend when you’re spending someone else money. 

 

The theme is red carpet, we’re using these toilet plungers (laughs) as the supports for the beams. Animal crackers, let me tell you, reign supreme of all snacks — they’re not crummy, and they’re healthier than potato chips, relatively, I’d say.”

What's the weirdest experience you've had here? 

​

“I saw a man come in, with a lion onesie about a week ago at 2AM. The world's such a strange, lucky place. On that note, I’m glad that gambling is about to be legal again. I’m going to Las Vegas the week of the NFL to gamble a bit. I've been saving up. I'm so excited." 

[Rosa, talking about Mitch and her job]

 

“I just want to be considered and noticed, you know? Service is hard. This guy though, we go back seven years at least. Every time he gets the same thing. Pizza, frozen. DiGiorno's. It's like clockwork, I have no idea how his waistline is still so thin." 

[I have no idea how to consolidate our conversation – this one lasted over two hours. Here are some memorable moments, some memorable quotes] 

​

“I met this group of white people, as white as this Pasty man you’re talking to right now, and they were all from China. They spoke with heavy chinese accents, and I would be all “whaddup” and then I remembered that they couldn’t speak english very well. But this week. We were all naked, all on drugs, and I realized that none of it really mattered, here. Diversity is so fucking strange.”
   _______________________________

“I was in meijer, sitting on the patio furniture once. I had milk gallon in one hand, and an oreo pack in the other. I was eating it, but in terrible fear. The moment that a worker came up to me, I would have whipped out my receipt and wave it as if it were sage and I was in a haunted house. I got kicked out, but I think part of it was because I was a little *wink*”
   _______________________________

“It’s been a while since I’ve played texas hold em. I have an itch.”

   _______________________________

“I have been in so many bar fights. You think you’re brave for wearing black eyeliner in Midland? Try wearing it in a redneck town with only three bars, a walmart, and a john deere dealership. I’ve been in so many bar fights. The biggest one was 20 people, half from Kentucky, the other half from Arkansas. I was at a hotel bar. I was choking people and giving them these swears, and then I would turn to a nice couple and be incredibly nice. Bartending is play acting. I got a big tip from that couple that night.”

“I’m a pretty simple person, you know.”

“I’m sure you’re familiar with minimalism, then right?”

“Oh. Funny thing you bring that up. My girlfriend is a minimalist, and we were talking about our house. She was saying: Why not? Why do we need this house? Let’s just live in a tent! and, Grace, if this was me in high school, I would do it in an instant. But she’s pregnant. And I was saying to her: we are not. raising a baby. in a tent. But she’s stubborn, so this conversation has been going on.”
“what about a baby sized tent”
“Grace,”

   _______________________________

“There are people out there who really believe that the earth is flat, Grace.”
   _______________________________

“I wouldn’t even call Donald Trump a carrot. Nutrition is too good for that man. Cheeto”

 

   _______________________________

“Pocket watches are infinitely better than wrist watches if you’re a bartender. The market for pocket watches aren’t all that great, but it adds to the persona. I mean, look at me. I have black eyeliner, a curly mustache, a fedora, purple ensemble — what better than to tie it off with a silver pocket watch?”
   _______________________________

“I traveled to Chicago for one reason, and one reason only one time. It was to try to find the best pizza. I got there, took a bite of the deep dish, and was underwhelmed. Was it worth it? Still? Yes. I had fun.”

   _______________________________

“Arguments are like chess in your head.”
   _______________________________

“I was angry when I wrote songs. I would try to convert people with my songs and shove my opinion there. But it doesn’t work that way. I look at myself and think, oh sir, you have a ways to go but I’m glad you did this. Never regret — just learn.”
   _______________________________

“I don’t know what the kids are doing nowadays. It happens every generation, someone gets jaded and blames the things on the “kids these days” But kids are passionate. They have grit. I asked the question, who would I speaking to? Because I don’t know what you kids are growing through. My idea of alternative music is not your alternative music. But Daniel Glover. That man is good.”

 

   ________________________________

“Where do you see yourself when you’re really old?"

 

I want to be the guy who tells stories in walmart like this, I suppose.”
   ________________________________

“Ive been to over 40 funerals, you know. I’m fighting with my wife on whether to baptise the child. Her parents are Hindu and Christian, and she says that she wants to do it for tradition, maybe. But I can’t agree. We wouldn’t be raising them religious anyways, and I can’t figure out why she’s doing this.”

What do you wish people knew about you? 

​

"They see me with the piercings, the hair, and working here, and they always, always, try to put their notions on me. But back home I have six children and I'm working so hard for them. I'm a single mother. And the hair? That's what I will spend money for. That's what I can do that's mine, for me, mine. I spend $20-$30 for it every month and I wouldn't want it any other way." 

​

"Do you want a hug?" 

​

"Yes please. I really need one. Thank you."